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Dad Tortures Peeps Until His Kid Comes Home For Easter

Reddit user happymoosecaboose‘s dad has come up with a very… unique way to convince his kid to come home for Easter. Every year, right as springtime rolls around, he purchases a pack of Peeps and comes up with increasingly creative (and sadistic) ways to wipe them off the earth. The blood–I mean, marshmallow-shed only stops when happymoosecaboose finally comes home. I guess this is one way to get the family together for the holidays…

Four years ago, my Dad decided he missed me…

For the last few years, my Dad has been taking hostage and murdering innocent Easter candy. He kills one a day until I come home. These are the casualties from 2014.

…so he held my favorite Easter candy hostage…

Peep vs. kettlebell

…and began killing one each day until I came home.

The kettlebell won.

Outdoor camp latrine…

This is a crappy way to go.

This peep will swim with the fishes, mob style.

Tied up and dropped off the side of my dad’s paddle board.

James bond villains everywhere are rejoicing.

Sawn in half, then again.

Peep fun in the machine shop.

Weight loss, Dad style.

This peep got a shave and a haircut, but ended up in two bits.

“Too cold in here, let’s burn a peep for heat.”

With winter dragging on like it did this year, Dad decided to help out the heating bill by setting fire to a peep with a blow torch.

“Hey, think we can stuff the peep full of gunpowder?”

I would post an after pic of the carnage, but there was nothing left.

Rocket peep.

This poor fellow is about to meet an explosive end.

This is a leg trap. That peep has no chance.

This one is actually terrifying.

I definitely never want to step on one of these.

Cannon has no mercy for my peep friend.

Especially when loaded with bird seed. Why bird seed? Because when they loaded the cannon with more dangerous things, there was nothing left of the peep for a picture.

The carp at the spillway were happy helpers

He rushed to murder one more peep after he heard I was on my way home.

Here are the poor peeps from 2013

Waiting for his time.

I’m so tired of the senseless killing!

And also of my terrible puns.

The standard method of execution.

I hope this peep can swim.

This peep melted in the pool water.

Bullseye in the bunny’s eye.

Oh God!

Yep, they blend.

This is comfy and warm…wait a minute.

The ears!

I came home in time. These ones were set free! They were the lucky ones…

Two years ago. So it begins again.

Should have had a spotter.

My dad’s an axe murderer.

A chainsaw death. He had to try twice, the first try flung the peep across the yard.

The look in this peep’s eyes says it all. Our Wheaton Terrier, Ginger, was a happy accomplice.

One squished peep coming up. A second peep is beside it, for reference.

Office Mishaps, Day 1.

Office Mishaps, Day 2. Makes me cringe every time. Poor ears!

Office Mishaps, Day 3. Peep should’ve had its TPS reports done on time.

Crispy critter, about to go into our wood furnace.

This year, the horror will begin anew.

Grate. Peep guts every where.

Poor peep was electrocuted! I can’t get home fast enough this year!

Cut to shreds. I made myself look, because I owed the peep at least that much.

Sources: Distractify, Imgur